i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
