Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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