after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
