so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
