my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
