I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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