a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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