Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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