i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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