he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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