wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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