My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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