So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize