Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
