just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
