The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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