I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
