I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
