i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
