Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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