Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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