She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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