she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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