Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
