His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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