I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
