Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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