How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
