i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
