It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
