i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
