i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
