Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I met the friendliest cop last night
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
