I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
