the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
