Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
