just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
