Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm too high and old for this...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
