We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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