just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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