Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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