Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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