He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
