Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
