the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
