What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
