I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
