there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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