Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
