Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
