Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
