I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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