I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
