you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
How's work?
Spinning.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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