He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
