i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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