She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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